User blog:Madi60517/untitled

some nights are better than others.

some nights I collapse into bed and fall asleep within the hour. I give in to my dreams, and for that time, I'm chased by monsters and killed by just about everyone. Even so, I sleep soundly. Everything is peaceful. I am the gentle waves lapping at the open sea, reflecting the deep blue sky as night falls. When I am awoken, I tumble out of my sheets as my mind begs me to rest for a while longer. I may never know how long; maybe I want two hours, maybe I want two days. These are the better nights I mentioned.

other nights, many nights, I am not so privileged. I can't find my horrific dream world. I crawl into bed, but it does not feel like a bed. Beds are cozy and welcoming. This is just a mattress and a blanket, a cold place where I must stay. I lie there. I shut my eyes, but they refuse. My eyes still want to explore the world, and thus must stay open. Through the darkness they try to observe every little line in the ceiling. I can't see the bumps and cracks in the surface above me, but I can feel and sense them. I try picturing them and wonder how accurate the portrait I'm painting is. My ears listen. All is eerily quiet. One of the worst parts of my mind is asleep, so I am alone. I can hear my breathing, in and out in a slow rhythm, whistling ever so quietly. It's funny how one can be breathing without living at all. Once I find my pulse, I can hear that as well. It's not very fast, but it is under the circumstances. blood is rushing through my veins like taxi cabs in a big city. The steadiness is soothing. I am breathing. Hot blood is in my veins. I  am alive. I am aware. The room feels bigger than ever now, possibly because I can't even locate some places with the current lighting, or lack thereof. My mind wanders. Now there is nothing to distract the dark areas. Who am I kidding? There are no light areas. I feel numb. As the fear, despair, anger, and worry overcomes me, I pray that eventually I will fall unconscious for the night. Soon my eyes have had enough and they close. I see bright dots and dark shades on my eyelids. They move and then disappear. It's like a little world where life and death is in the blink of an eye for all, just like ours. I lie there for hours, counting the minutes. Thoughts continue to force themselves upon me. Never soon enough, everything slows down and I am asleep. After a little while, my eyes again open. They see a clock. I can go back to sleep. Eventually, I do, but it only happens again. The last time, I don't have all that much sleeping time left. My eyes are very much awake. They must explore. They feed on excitement. It seems I'm never going to fall back into a light slumber, and I dont. I am soon greeted by early morning, when I swing myself out of bed, glad its all over.

some nights are better than others.